Lost

Tears are welling up in her eyes as her mom turns the car down the street and parks. It’s 5:03 A.M. and it is still very dark outside. She’s dressed in her work uniform: a green U.S. Pizza Co. shirt tucked into a pair of dark jeans with a black belt, her long, light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail on the top of her head, no makeup on her tan, freckled face, and ugly, nonslip, black shoes. Her phone buzzes and it’s a text from him, “Are you almost here?” She gets out of the 2010 red GMC Acadia, feeds the meter two quarters, and hurriedly walks toward the Marriott Hotel. She sees his tall, dark figure standing there underneath the dim street lights. The look on his face tells her that he doesn’t want this anymore than she does. He sees her and his face lights up. She sees that look quite a bit. He has such a great personality that it comes out through his facial expressions. This facial expression was the one he always used when he saw her. It was a smile from ear to ear. It was warm loving eyes that reached the depth of her soul. She walks up to him and he pulls her in for one last long hug. As he pulls her in closer and tighter, it becomes a moment frozen in time. Nothing else matters. Not the passing of the cars, not her mom, not even the hotel workers matters. He kisses the top of her head and just holds her close. Neither one wants to let go. She has spent every day with this boy for the last four months. She hears his heart beat for one last time, comforts herself with his smell for one last time, and synchronizes her breathing with his for one last time. She is devastated. She feels flat and lifeless like it will take more than her own strength to move her from this spot. This day approached very fast and she didn’t prepare herself well. No words were exchanged. More tears begin to form in her eyes, but she refuses to let him see her cry. She wants him to know that she’s alright even if she’s clearly not. If she is strong then it will give him enough strength to get through it as well. He pulls away, leans down, and softly kisses her. He says, “I have to go now.” She pulls her address out of her bag and gives it to him. He’s wearing his favorite hat: a “Team Realtree” hat with a fish hook on the bill. He takes off his precious hat and puts it on her head. He tells her to keep it safe. He then hands her his black pocket knife and she puts it in her bag. She looks up at him with her big brown eyes and she can see it in his face. Those soft green eyes can’t hide the hurt he’s feeling. She knows his heart is shattered into a million pieces just like hers. He gives her one last long hug. In the middle of the hug he says, “I love you. So much.” She becomes speechless just like she did when he first said those words to her. For a moment, happiness floods her soul like the first time she heard those words. Her heart is happy and overwhelmed with joy, but the happiness flees. She is then overcome with the heartbreak once more. A few moments later she finally gets herself together enough to slowly whisper, “I love you too.” He lets go of her and grabs both sides of her soft face with his rough hands. He says, “I’ll be back before you know it.” She knew this was true, however, it was going to feel like an eternity before she would be reunited with him. One last short kiss and then he turned and walked towards the door of the hotel. In the light she sees that he’s wearing his normal getup: a cool blue shirt, a light wash pair of jeans, and let’s not forget his dirty, brown steel-toed boots. His light brown hair was messy because of his hat and he had no intention of fixing it. He slowly makes it to the door, turns around, and gives her an award winning smile. The exact same smile she fell in love with so many months ago. She almost forgot that this was it, that she wasn’t going to be seeing him later that day or the next. Her mother comes up to her, hugs her, and tell her that she will be alright. She slowly walks back to the car with her mother. It’s 5:10 A.M. She had seven short minutes with him. They make it to the car and she completely falls apart. The tears just won’t stop. That was the last time she saw not only her boyfriend, but also her best friend. That day was the day he got on a plane and left for Army Basic Training. That day he was no longer a carefree boy she had fallen in love with, he was a man forging his future in order to care for her. The next few days slowly creep by. In those next couple of days she had written him countless emotional letters, most of which were never mailed. At night she would lay in her soft, pink sheets and stare at the tan ceiling. She could feel the pink walls closing in around her, leaving her in some sort of isolation. She wondered if he was thinking about her the way she was thinking about him. She wondered if he hurt the way she hurt. What was she supposed to do now? They had spent every day together, doing everything with each other. They were more than best friends. No words can describe how close they were. Their relationship was the best. Not only did they act like little kids, but they could never get tired of each other. Finally, seven days apart rolls around and she wonders how he could have been gone for just one week. It had felt like an eternity to her. Every day she checks the tan mailbox at the end of her mile long driveway, usually more than once. There were no letters from him yet. She starts to get anxious and nervous and worried. It tears her apart that she doesn’t know how he is doing. How is she doing? She’s making it. She finds it’s easier to make it through the days when she has many things to do. Most of her homework for the semester is already done. She has the best of friends that have helped her. A few have even been in her shoes because they had a brother or other family member leave. She believes the only way for her to cope with this traumatizing experience is to have the best support group she can. No matter what she does, he is always on her mind. She pictures that tall, handsome, sweet boy every second of the day. She creates scenarios in her head of what it will be like to see him again. She imagines the look on his face when she shows up unannounced at his graduation from basic training. She imagines the look on his face when she picks him up from the airport in his truck. Most importantly, she imagines the look on his face when he is finally home from all of his training. She hopes he smiles that big, white smile that could put the stars to shame at night. She has written him a letter a day. These letters are like words lost on paper. They keep her going as much as they keep him going. His letters to her mean more than anything to her and she reads them every day. But for now, she is lost. The longer he is gone, the more lost she gets. She has no idea who she is anymore. She has lost the sense of who she is. She’s lost in all of the memories they share. When she dreams of the next time she sees him, she loses her current heartbreak and for a few minutes she is whole again. She has lost a part of her heart. She is lost because the man who holds her heart and who has become such a big part of her identity is missing. The moment she lays her eyes on him will be the moment that she has found her way again. In that moment she won’t be lost anymore. She will be complete.