Guardian Angel

Rejection is the next chapter in “Goliath Must Fall.” This one hit home for me. I have been rejected my whole life. I skipped 2nd grade, which made people feel inferior. I strives to be the best. I had to be perfect. I could not fail at anything. I was bullied by my peers. I have always had a low sense of self-worth. I don’t fit in with a lot of crowds, and I constantly feel like I’m not liked. I have too many stories to tell about my childhood, but I’m not going to do that now. How do we fix rejection? Well I’m still working on that. David was rejected by his peers, his family, and the king. Yet he still took down Goliath. God worked through David, and he will work through us.

Yesterday, Dawson went and got his 12 month shots. It made me realize that was the first time I actually got to take him for his shots. It's been my mom taking him because I've been working. I am always working. I hope he doesn't grow to resent that. When he was 2 weeks old I started my licensure program so he was with my mom and my aunt. I worked the day I went into labor. People were floored that I was 39 weeks pregnant and still working. They asked me when I was going to start leave, and I told them it would start when he was born. I was raised to work and work hard. I have never taken the easy way out. I hope that Dawson takes after that. Troyce works very hard too. He has made something of himself.  He could have easily taken a different route, but he chose success. He chose family. Dawson is going to be such an extraordinary young man. 

I am through the first section of “Goliath Must Fall.” I have to say it is very informative. The first section was fear. It shows up in many forms, but for me it is through control. I have to control every situation, and when I can’t I spaz out. Recently, I was called entitled because of the diaper situation at Walmart. Apparently taking care of my child’s needs makes me entitled. I won’t ever understand that, but it’s okay. Could I have acted differently? Yes. But I am a tired, stressed out mama. We have been through so much lately and we are just now coming up from a downward spiral. You don’t know what people are going through, so why judge a situation? I can buy a new box of diapers, but last week I couldn’t. We couldn’t afford it. What about the others who can’t afford it? We are scared of the unknown. To overcome that fear, we have to have faith. Faith comes through worship. We have to name our giants. What’s scares you? What worries you? The only thing I didn’t agree with during...

Okay ya'll. I'm a pretty chill person. We decided that Dawson needed to go up a size in diapers because size 3 just don't get the job done anymore. We had 2 boxes of diapers and a small package. We went to Walmart to exchange them for size 4. We were told that we could NOT exchange them. They were classified as health/wellness and they were not taking any of those items back. Now, anyone who has ever had a child knows that diapers are individually wrapped in plastic in the boxes. They are not even exposed to air until you open the plastic. So tell me why they let the gentleman in front of us return his steering wheel cover that his hands were all over, but NOT the diapers that were wrapped in plastic. I did happen to make a scene on the way out of Walmart. We went to Target and they exchanged them, and they were pleasant about it. They said the just wipe down the boxes and resell them. I am never shopping at Walmart again. I don't care if it is more expensive at Target ...

I did it! I finished my first year of teaching. This has been the most challenging year with this pandemic. I have had to learn to modify and adjust so much. Distance learning has been stressful, but also a learning curve. It has broadened my horizons. I feel like I can accomplish anything now.

I put my 1 year old down tonight. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I don’t know life before him. What was it like? I just can’t believe it’s been a year. I can’t wait for the next 50 with my son and my husband❤️

I am all up in my feels today. A year ago, I worked a 12 hour shift up in dispatch. I was 39 weeks 1 day pregnant. I got off at 6:30 pm and took a bath. Then, I got into bed. I was plum tired and didn’t feel good. I woke up at 8:45pm and my water broke. I woke Troyce up and then we were on our way to Saline Memorial. I was in labor about 18 hours. I can’t believe tomorrow I will have a 1 year old.

I just started reading “Goliath Must Fall” by Louie Giglio. I’ve decided to share my journey with you. It will be raw and brutal. I will not sugar coat anything. So the first section I read was about what your giant is. For me, and anyone who knows me, that is control and anxiety. I have struggled with anxiety and stress for literally as long as I can remember. I like to joke and say I was born stressed. I also have to be in control. I am all about routine. So this whole we aren’t doing in person school anymore and husband losing job situation was a nightmare for me. My routine was gone and I didn’t have control over our life anymore. I could have dealt with the quarantine, but on top of that I lost control of our finances. We were just starting to get on top. Since I couldn’t control it, I had to give it to someone who could. I prayed and prayed day in and day out. It wasn’t easy. I struggled daily. It took seven weeks and three days, but He finally delivered. As far as stress, I stre...

Well, Troyce finally got a full-time job after 8 weeks! He is working at JACOR Construction out of Bryant. We are finally climbing back up and out of this hole we fell in to. I am so thankful and so grateful for everyone who has supported us during this time. I have prayed and prayed and my prayers are being answered. From here, we will rebuild our emergency fund and then start back up on our snowball effect. 2020 was supposed to be our year. We had so many plans, but if I've learned anything from my first year teaching, it's that you have to modify and adjust. We can still make headway, and we will. 

So I had my follow up vision exam today with my actual eye doctor. My vision since my surgery has not come back all the way. My left eye is having to compensate for a lot. I now have a new prescription contacts and glasses. I can see! I was having to wear my glasses to work in because it was super hard to see the computer screen, but now I can wear contacts. Yay! I have another retina follow up in June and then hopefully I will be good for another year. 

Ya'll. I can't even deal. Last night, my mother-in-law and her fiance came over. He purchased us dinner for Mother's Day and had Bite Squad deliver it. We placed the order at 6:30. It said it would arrive by 7:59. No big deal. It's a holiday. Well, 8:00 rolls around and it hasn't been picked up by a driver, and it sure hasn't shown up at our house. I get on the live chat for Bite Squad, and they inform me that the restaurant was closed. No one informed us that it was closed. It shouldn't have let us place an order if it was closed. Our neighbor informed us that they did the same thing to them last week. Bite Squad said they would refund the card. I told them they owed me a meal, since everything now was closed. They said they would give us a $5 credit to our account. I said, "That's it? You ruined my Mother's Day." We will never order from them again. They didn't even have the decency to contact us to let us know. They kept us waiting, ...

Rest and relaxation was exactly what I needed last night. I did not push myself today, I just did my nightly workout. My ankles and heels were so much better. Not fully healed, but better. I was actually able to push myself during that 30 minute workout. I burned the most calories I had ever burned in that specific one. I have been killing myself for weeks trying to fill a void. I needed something to keep myself occupied. I lost 3 pounds last week. I am excited for my weight loss journey. An old friend, that I’m not longer friends with, told me a long time ago that I would never stick with it. Well guess what. I am. I love the feeling of a good workout. I am becoming more confident in myself. I still have a ways to go before I am at my goal weight, but I am working so hard to get there. I just have to remember to let my body rest sometimes. Thank you to every one who has been motivating and encouraging me.

I have officially crashed. That big burden was lifted this morning and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. All of the emotions I’ve been feeling these past 7 weeks are Seeping out of my pores. I am detoxing from all of the stress and anxiety. I’ve been sleeping, but it wasn’t good sleep. Now, I feel like I could sleep for days in order to rejuvenate. God will never give us more than we can handle, but he will push our boundaries and limits in order to test our faith. That is what he has done with us. He has made us stronger. Not to mention, today is our 3rd wedding anniversary. We have had many, many trials in our three years as man and wife, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. Tonight, while Troyce is working his part-time job, I took a bath and really soaked. My ankles and heels are killing me. I have been working out vigorously to try and keep my sanity. I have been burning 600+ calories a day. Those are just active calories. I haven’t worked this hard since I played sports in high scho...

My heart is SO FULL today. We FINALLY received unemployment. We are so blessed. Last night when I was saying my nightly prayers, I prayed, "Lord, I know that something great is coming soon. That's why we praise Him, that's why we sing. That's why we offer Him our everything. That's why we bow down and worship our King. Cause He gave His everything." God is so good.

13. That’s how many times I’ve called the same unemployment number in 2 days. Not to mention the 800 number and the Benton number I’ve called. Each time it rings and then hangs up after 3:30. I got ahold of someone at the Benton office, who transferred me to the same number that no one answers. Week 7, day 2. Still no answers.

We are starting week 7 of unemployment. We still show that we are pending a decision. No response from the email sent. Attempting phone calls today to try and get through to someone. This is crazy.

So last week I had my juniors read “The Yellow Wallpaper” and “A Rose for Emily.” Both of these short stories relate to this quarantine that we are going through. In “The Yellow Wallpaper,” the unreliable narrator is going thorough a mental break where she is basically locked in a room with ugly, old, yellow wallpaper. It drives her insane. Literally. She starts thinking she can see a woman in the pattern and that woman is trying to escape from the wallpaper. So the narrator helps the woman escape by pulling down the wallpaper. She even gets a rope to tie around the woman, and a chair to stand on. This suggests suicide even though it is not specifically stated. She eventually frees the woman from the wallpaper, in turn freeing herself. In “A Rose for Emily,” Emily Grierson is a recluse and stays inside her home. Her father dies and over time, she continues to seclude herself. She refuses to conform to the new times. She meets a northern man who is there for a job. She is afraid he is g...

You know, I’ve been evolving during this time. I have been spending so much time reading the word of God and studying. I have been doing many devotionals. I have been trying to see the positive in all of this negativity. I’ve been spending time out doors and exercising. I’ve been focusing on my mental and physical health. I’ve been working, and I’m almost done with my first year teaching. Even though I can’t ever get ahold of anyone at unemployment, that’s okay because I know God has us.