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I'm Sorry.

I know sometimes I may say things in the heat of the moment. I know I've offended many people in my life time. Truth is, bullying is a cycle. People hurt me. So I hurt people. To this day it is an automatic reflex when I feel endangered. It may sound like an excuse. Some may say I'm still cold hearted. I didn't deserve all of the hate and trash talk I got, just like no one deserved the pain and hurt that I caused them. Working on bettering myself has been a challenge. I think I'm doing good and then I've fallen three steps back. My tongue gets the better of me. It always has. I can be a very outspoken person. I've always been told to let things roll off me and ignore it. Do you know how hard that is to do when people thought you had to be a lesbian because you looked like a man? Or when you walked up to your group of friends and they all turned and left once you reached them? What about being pushed down a flight of stairs on the bus when you're only six years old? My whole life has revolved around feeling like I'm not going to amount to anything. I've never had a person to talk to who understands what I'm going through or what I've gone through. I have anger issues. I have anxiety issues. I'm chronically depressed. It's not just a mood. I am overly sensitive. When someone says something to me that can even be remotely offensive, even if it's a joke, I shut down. It's a coping mechanism. I don't want people to feel bad for me. I want people to ask me what's wrong and to listen. I can't change the past. I can't take back all of the mean things I've said or unhurt everyone I've hurt. But I can strive to work at channeling these terrible memories into something productive. Because I'm tired of living like this. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. It's not healthy. To better myself, I need forgiveness from anyone who feels like I've done them wrong, and I know there are a lot of people out there that feel that way. All I can say is, I'm sorry.

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