Guardian Angel

Your health is so important. As you all know, I have IBS-D. Sometimes it decided to flare up for no reason. It happened to do this on Sunday morning after I got off work. It was to the extent that I started hyperventilating, again. Went to the doctor on Monday. I'm as healthy as a horse. I just have to continue to take my medication and watch my diet. Knowing what my triggers are is so important. The problem is that I can eat one meal and then eat the same exact thing a few days later and have a completely different reaction to it. The only thing I can do is to do what I've been doing, and to continue to self medicate as needed (and I don't mean legitimate medications). Peppermint oil, mints, and tea does wonders for your colon when it is having spasms. I recommend it just to keep a healthy digestive system. You never know how important it is for your digestive tract to run properly until yours doesn't. My faith has to remain strong and I have to remember that God has m...

The first mistake I made was trusting you. The second mistake I made was standing up for you. I betrayed someone else to protect you. I shouldn't have. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have never vented to you. I should have never stood up for you and protected you. I valued our friendship too much. You didn't. I can't go back and change it. I can't fix it. You feel the way you do. I feel the way I do. I'm uncomfortable being around you. I can barely look at you. But it's my mistake.

Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life has been the most challenging thing I've had to do. I want to write. I want to work in law enforcement. But I'm not sure what I want to do as a career. Making it as a writer is super difficult. I've been told "No." so many times. After a while it makes you lose hope. As far as law enforcement, there are only so many things I can do with my degree without becoming an officer. I could write about some of the calls that I've taken, but there are so many stipulations I have to follow in order to do that. Blah. What do I do?

Calories, calories, calories. I swear it's like a cuss word. I'm so tired of having to count my calories and worrying about how much I weigh. Why can't people just be happy that I'm finally eating again? I've struggled my entire life with body image. I've always thought that I was fat. Now, I feel like I am. Every time someone asks me when the last time I worked out was or what I ate that day. It's depressing.

I've trusted the wrong people in life. I'm so miserable. I can't even talk about my personal life without someone getting offended or trying to tell me that what I should and shouldn't do in my life. I've vented to the wrong people. Now I know that the only way to get something off my chest is to put it in words in my journal. No one knows my story. No one knows how depressed I am. Honestly, no one cares. I've given sign after sign and people still think I'm okay. No one has ever cared.

Seventh grade was about the same. I made more enemies, less friends. I never understood until now why I was so hated. I had channeled all of my negative energy the wrong way. Bullying is a cycle. If you are bullied, then you tend to want to make people feel the way you’ve felt. It’s not right. This cycle needs to be broken. In junior high, I spent so much time in the counselor’s office because of the way I treated people. It was always about me and what I did. No one ever got disciplined for bullying me. Towards the end of my eighth grade year, we were watching a movie in my Arkansas History class. The movie was Forest Gump. One of the football players in the class decided to ask my teacher what the movie was rated. She responded with “PG-13.” His response will haunt me for the rest of my life. He said, “Well Leigh Ann has to get out because she is only 12.” I had to leave the room to go to the bathroom and cry. It was the absolute worst day of my life. I was completely humiliated. I h...

I know sometimes I may say things in the heat of the moment. I know I've offended many people in my life time. Truth is, bullying is a cycle. People hurt me. So I hurt people. To this day it is an automatic reflex when I feel endangered. It may sound like an excuse. Some may say I'm still cold hearted. I didn't deserve all of the hate and trash talk I got, just like no one deserved the pain and hurt that I caused them. Working on bettering myself has been a challenge. I think I'm doing good and then I've fallen three steps back. My tongue gets the better of me. It always has. I can be a very outspoken person. I've always been told to let things roll off me and ignore it. Do you know how hard that is to do when people thought you had to be a lesbian because you looked like a man? Or when you walked up to your group of friends and they all turned and left once you reached them? What about being pushed down a flight of stairs on the bus when you're only six yea...