Guardian Angel

I finished "Goliath Must Fall" this morning. I was so refreshing working on myself for once. I take care of Dawson and Troyce. I don't ever work on myself. This book has really made me look at myself and dissect everything. I am working on being a better person, not that I'm a bad person. Jesus is going to run through every inch of my body. I want to scream his name from the roof tops. So, if you have a problem with that, I suggest you let me do me, or let me go. I am tackling fear, rejection, anger, addiction, and comfort.

Well, yesterday afternoon I had a followup with my retina doctor. I have mixed feelings about the appointment. He said that he is pretty confident that it worked. He is unsure if the remaining fluid is shifting because it looks like it might be. He wants to see me in August to check it again. If it is moving, he will have to laser around it and then we won't have to worry about it anymore. If it is not, then he will just continue to check it every year when I go. I was hoping that I was done, but it appears I am not. I will post before and after pictures.

My fitness journey is more than just weight and inches lost. It is lifestyle changes I am making. I am being more active, getting stronger, eating better, and overall being happier. I have noticed that I have gotten stronger. I started back over this week at the beginning of my Jillian Michael's video. I did week 1 on Monday, Week 2 yesterday, and I'll do week 3 today. I noticed that I did not have to stop and take breaks during these exercises like I did before. I also have hardly had to modify my exercises. I can feel my body aching. I am doing so much! It is a good kind of sore. It means that I actually worked my tail off. I can't wait to see my continued growth. This has not been an easy experience, but it has been well worth it.

Last night was a doosie. I was almost asleep at 10:30 last night when Dawson started screaming. We do "cry it out," but he wasn't calming down. I would get him calmed back down and then when I went to lay him down, he started screaming and fighting me. Anyone who has ever tried to lay down a child that doesn't want to go down knows what I'm talking about. We went round and round with this until 12:30. He finally, FINALLY wore himself out. That lasted about 15 minutes. He started screaming again. I tried to wrap him back up, but I left him screaming in the crib. He wore himself out again about 1:00. In the morning. Do you know the last time I saw 1 am? I can't remember. I am so ready for this phase to be over!!!!!

I have one last chapter in "Goliath Must Fall." I have to say, it's been an easy read. I picked it up about a year ago but it wasn't the right time. I am a believer in that all books have a right and a wrong time. If you aren't mentally or emotionally ready for the plot line or the lessons in them, then you will put them down. You just have to remember to pick them back up. This book has taught me that Jesus was David. Jesus took down Goliath. Jesus will take down all of your Goliath's. You just have to believe in him. He may not do it immediately, but he will do it. You have to pray to Him. Talk to Him. Have faith in Him. I have tackled a couple of Goliath's since I started this book, and I will continue to make progress. I have had the opportunity to reflect on myself and evaluate every situation. I have made changes for the better. No, every day will not be perfect; however, that doesn't mean you give up. Take each and every day and have a plan to a...

We have baby step 1 down! We have a $1,000 emergency fund set up. It wasn't easy considering Troyce lost his job and we had to use that money for bills. We had 60% of it done when he lost his job. We got caught back up. We replenished the whole fund. Next is baby step #2: Snowball effect. I have our debt in order from smallest to largest. Those of you who know me know that my list is color coded and in a specific format. I have a three column chart: vender balance payment. Then beside vender I have the due dates. I can't wait to tackle this! Once it starts going, Dave Ramsey says that it really goes. I can't wait to update you all!

As I'm writing this, my heart has broken. Today was a rough day as a mother. It started with Dawson screaming, and ended with him screaming. He screamed non-stop for probably two hours. Nothing I did fixed it. I held him. I put him down and "ignored" him. I put him in his crib so he could calm down on his own. We went outside and played. We were going to go on a walk but he refused the stroller. Finally, I put him in the bath and then down for bed. It was 5:30. Way too esrly for him to go to bed. I laid him down and walked outside. I talked to my neighbor for about twenty minutes or so. Long enough for Dawson to fall asleep and for me to cool down. Or so I thought. I walked back inside and he was still screaming. I picked him up and took him back outside. He played with the neighbor and his dogs for a few minutes. Then I took him back in, gave him a snack, and put him back to bed. He cried for a couple minutes. Then he was out. He is still out. Today was one of those days...

I have been so busy working on self-care and self-love. I am enjoying the lifestyle changes I am making. I am continuing working out, I am interminent fasting, I am selling products that are working great for me, and I am studying the bible each night! If you haven't taken time for yourself, you have to do it. Find a way to release endorphins in your brain. You will be so much happier. I promise.

The last giant in "Goliath Must Fall" is addiction. Addication comes in many shapes and sizes. It isn't just drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. It is behaviors also. I am addicted to pleasing people. I have to be on good terms with people. I can't say "no." Is this healthy? No. I have to put myself first sometimes. It can't always be about other people, unless it comes to my child. Tackling this giant will finalize my journey in self-care and help me to be the person I want to be. Now that I know what I have to focus on, I'm going to take it and run with it.

Anger is something I have always struggled with. When you spend your whole life being rejected, you get angry. I’m angry at the kid in 8th grade who told me to get out of the class while we were watching a movie that was PG-13 and I was only 12. I’m angry at all of the people who cheated off of me because they didn’t want to do the work. I’m angry at some family members because their poor choices burned our relationship. I’m angry at a specific person for a reason I won’t get in to. I have been praying for forgiveness. I have to forgive them. I have to let it go even though it lets go of my control. That doesn’t mean I need those people in my life. It means that I release the burden off of my chest and out of my soul. I was doing so great...until today. Today, I lost it. I was so angry I saw red. There is one piece that needs forgiveness. But not today. That will come. I will still continue to pray for forgiveness, and when the time is right God will release that burden and I will move...

A year ago today, I interviewed at Sheridan High School. I pulled out of the parking lot to go back to APPEL and they called to tell me they were checking references. I had interviewed at several different schools, but I was too inexperienced for them. I am so glad that SHS took a chance with me. I have learned so much and I am excited to continue this journey! God chose this school district for me to be apart of. I am so blessed.

Last night, I finished another section in "Goliath Must Fall." This section was "Comfort." Those of you who know me, know I stay in my comfort zone. I hate change and I hate having to step out of it. One thing I learned is that being uncomfortable is having faith. We have to step out of that comfort and completely put our faith in our God. He is there to catch us. Being uncomfortable means having faith that He is there for you. This book is helping me get through a lot of difficult things in my life. I have a lot of Goliath's that I have to conquer. God is going to get me through all of them.

Just when I thought we were all healthy in my household, Dawson got an ear infection! Do you know how hard it is to do a zoom call from 8-4 with a sick baby. My mom had him half the day and I had him the other half. We were both doing professional development online. This world is crazy. I fear for the world Dawson has to grow up in. I am not going to touch on the issues going on in our country, but I am praying hard for this world we live in.

I have had the LONGEST day in history. I started the second year of my licensure program. We were supposed to be going MOnday-Friday from 8-4 at Philander Smith College in Little Rock. This is a 3 week program. It has been a zoom call. I have been on a zoom call since 8 am. I am exhausted. This distance learning is so hard. I'm hoping that it gets easier. Hopefully we will have less technical difficulities and it will run smoother.